he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
