The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
