She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
