Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
