yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
