Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
