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You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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