You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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