he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
