i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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