I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
