I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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