his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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