You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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