I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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