i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
