If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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