i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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