This dress was meant to end up on your floor
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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