I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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