it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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