my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
