he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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