Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
