You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
