do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
you made out with another girl for some wings
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
