on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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