I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
