I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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