I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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