I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
