and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
BRING THE BAGELS
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
