If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
