my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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