evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I am midnight drunk by noon
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
