I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
