I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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