if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize