I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
