I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
