I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
