Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize