Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
