i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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