theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
