Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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