i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Success! We fucked roommates!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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