You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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