Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
