i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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