I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
