All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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