You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
