This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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