i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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