rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
