i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
