"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
