when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
