Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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