smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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