I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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